I have to say, my outlook is a little less sunny than the last post. Since then I was hospitalized for four days for infection (had a fever Wednesday night), poked so often they had to start re-poking the veins that had blown the day before, had an IV placed in my left arm with antibiotics (remember how I said that I would have done that right away? Do the Vets always have to be smarter than the MDs?), a central line IV catheter placed in my right arm to go home and infuse antibiotics until further notice, a CT scan with horribly painful IV contrast, and more blood pressure readings than I can count - which are actually very painful when your whole body hurts.
So NOW maybe I'm a step closer to being able to handle the real pain of child birth....or not even close.
Of couse, since worker's comp pays a cap of about $500/week LESS than a regular-budgeted-expected-to pay off all the student loans and house loans and siding loans maybe a baby is farther off anyway.
Thank goodness MY mom is coming to take care of me. I guess I am still the baby. :)
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
On the Bright Side
Yesterday I was bitten in the cheek by a dog at work. I called Eric to meet me at an Urgent Care first and they recommended the ER so that a plastic surgeon could explore it for nerve damage. So we went to the ER that was accross the street but they didn't have a plastic surgeon. They said that we could go to a trauma center in St. Paul which may or may not have a cosmetic surgeon look at it, but by this point it was 2 hours post-trauma and I didn't know if we should be driving all over and waiting more for what could be the same outcome. So we stayed there and my doctor there was really nice. I suppose it looks as good as it can... I am seeing a cosmetic surgeon today for follow up. Today it hurts a lot more than yesterday due to the swelling and I suppose immune response/drainage to neck lymph node. It's like having a sore throat on only one side, so it kinda hurts to eat/swallow.
I was really scared going to the doctor. I was putting together a treatment plan in my head of what they would need to do (or what I would do for a dog in the same situation), which included some things they did actually do (injecting a painful local anesthetic into my face so they could work, flushing vigorously, suturing) and things they did not (IV catheter and antibiotics, re-cut or "freshen" the edges to make it heal better). It probably seems a little silly to you that I can easily perform the above procedures but was incredibly nervous to have it done to me.
Earlier this week I was watching "one born every minute", a new lifetime reality show that chronicles a few couples each week through the birth of a baby. My intent in watching was to prepare myself for what really happens, and to see if I can do it. My first impression is that newborn babies are REALLY ugly and that everyone ignores this fact and says how beautiful, cute, and wonderful they are. I truly hope that I feel differently about my own, and can participate in the farce whole-heartedly. The next thing I of course have focused on is the PAIN. The pain of horrible catheters, contractions, epidurals, and of course the birth. The last thing I have been thinking about is the husband's role in the delivery process. Some husbands are doing their own thing: playing on their phones, eating fast-food despite the fact that their wife can't, sitting apart from their wives. Some husbands are the opposite: giving shoulder rubs, stroking the wife's hair, talking to her soothingly just inches from her face. I wondered what type of husband Eric will be in the delivery room. He is very caring, don't get me wrong. But he's not the type to run down the hall calling for a nurse ASAP because the epidural has worn off.
The time I spent in the ER yesterday was a nice surprise, despite my anxiety and the pain. Eric did not make any complaint that I had woken him up to meet me there. When I arrived he was outside (which may just have been good timing, but still) and I had him go park my car so I could go right in and get in line. He had thought to bring Aleve with him for me. And got me water to take it. He held my coat and purse, and even got things OUT of the purse when asked (which he really hates). He held my hand, sat next to me the entire time, and continually tried to cheer me up by making jokes. When we had to decide where to go, he supported going from the Urgent Care to the ER even though we'd already been waiting at the Urgent Care for a while. He tried to keep me warm when I was shivering, and offered me his coat since mine was all bloody and smelly. On the way home he brought food (since it was 4:30 and we'd missed lunch). Later he went out and got prescriptions, movies, and milk. And then went out again because I had wanted ice cream and he'd forgotten. All without hesitation or complaint. Later he told me that I would look tough with my new scar, which I think was supposed to be a compliment if you are a guy.
I think we just might be able to pull off this whole baby thing as a team. You may say that the things above are just to be expected from a husband when the wife is in need, but we have not had many situations in the 3.5 years we've been married where he had the chance to demonstrate it. Also I know that I can put up with a little anxiety and pain (though I realize it will be multiplied a million times when it is labor and delivery). So on the bright side, I feel a little more confident about it.
I was really scared going to the doctor. I was putting together a treatment plan in my head of what they would need to do (or what I would do for a dog in the same situation), which included some things they did actually do (injecting a painful local anesthetic into my face so they could work, flushing vigorously, suturing) and things they did not (IV catheter and antibiotics, re-cut or "freshen" the edges to make it heal better). It probably seems a little silly to you that I can easily perform the above procedures but was incredibly nervous to have it done to me.
Earlier this week I was watching "one born every minute", a new lifetime reality show that chronicles a few couples each week through the birth of a baby. My intent in watching was to prepare myself for what really happens, and to see if I can do it. My first impression is that newborn babies are REALLY ugly and that everyone ignores this fact and says how beautiful, cute, and wonderful they are. I truly hope that I feel differently about my own, and can participate in the farce whole-heartedly. The next thing I of course have focused on is the PAIN. The pain of horrible catheters, contractions, epidurals, and of course the birth. The last thing I have been thinking about is the husband's role in the delivery process. Some husbands are doing their own thing: playing on their phones, eating fast-food despite the fact that their wife can't, sitting apart from their wives. Some husbands are the opposite: giving shoulder rubs, stroking the wife's hair, talking to her soothingly just inches from her face. I wondered what type of husband Eric will be in the delivery room. He is very caring, don't get me wrong. But he's not the type to run down the hall calling for a nurse ASAP because the epidural has worn off.
The time I spent in the ER yesterday was a nice surprise, despite my anxiety and the pain. Eric did not make any complaint that I had woken him up to meet me there. When I arrived he was outside (which may just have been good timing, but still) and I had him go park my car so I could go right in and get in line. He had thought to bring Aleve with him for me. And got me water to take it. He held my coat and purse, and even got things OUT of the purse when asked (which he really hates). He held my hand, sat next to me the entire time, and continually tried to cheer me up by making jokes. When we had to decide where to go, he supported going from the Urgent Care to the ER even though we'd already been waiting at the Urgent Care for a while. He tried to keep me warm when I was shivering, and offered me his coat since mine was all bloody and smelly. On the way home he brought food (since it was 4:30 and we'd missed lunch). Later he went out and got prescriptions, movies, and milk. And then went out again because I had wanted ice cream and he'd forgotten. All without hesitation or complaint. Later he told me that I would look tough with my new scar, which I think was supposed to be a compliment if you are a guy.
I think we just might be able to pull off this whole baby thing as a team. You may say that the things above are just to be expected from a husband when the wife is in need, but we have not had many situations in the 3.5 years we've been married where he had the chance to demonstrate it. Also I know that I can put up with a little anxiety and pain (though I realize it will be multiplied a million times when it is labor and delivery). So on the bright side, I feel a little more confident about it.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Not Yet
So despite having not been taking birth control, I also have been very delinquint about starting prenatal vitamins. I am not a good pill-taker to begin with...I usually forget...and in this case I had *meant* to purchase the prenatal vitamins over a month ago. My doctor said it's more important to be taking them BEFORE you get pregnant than after.
So I finally remembered and went over to Target on my lunch break yesterday. The vitamin aisle is very large and confusing. I spent literally 30 minutes in that aisle trying to figure out what "prenatal vitamins" meant and trying to pick one that was not only less expensive but probably did the same things as the spendy ones. Finally having chosen the Up and Up combo box (a multi and a DHA one to cover all the bases) I spent another 10 minutes in line although there was only one customer in line ahead of me. My cashier was the talkative type who looked like he had nothing else pressing to do today except provide exceptional client service...exceptionally nosey anyway. So on my turn he looked at me and asked if the vitamins were for me. I said yes and sheepishly remembered that I had taken off my wedding ring for surgery and had not put it back on. He said "Well, you don't LOOK pregnant."
I should hope not!
So I finally remembered and went over to Target on my lunch break yesterday. The vitamin aisle is very large and confusing. I spent literally 30 minutes in that aisle trying to figure out what "prenatal vitamins" meant and trying to pick one that was not only less expensive but probably did the same things as the spendy ones. Finally having chosen the Up and Up combo box (a multi and a DHA one to cover all the bases) I spent another 10 minutes in line although there was only one customer in line ahead of me. My cashier was the talkative type who looked like he had nothing else pressing to do today except provide exceptional client service...exceptionally nosey anyway. So on my turn he looked at me and asked if the vitamins were for me. I said yes and sheepishly remembered that I had taken off my wedding ring for surgery and had not put it back on. He said "Well, you don't LOOK pregnant."
I should hope not!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Sometimes He's subtle
We went to Hope Church today in Apple Valley. It was a very last-minute thing. Usually on Saturday night we have great enthusiasm about going to church, and then on Sunday morning it doesn't seem like the great idea it was the night before. I'd stopped asking Eric for a while because I would feel so bad waking him up after just an hour or so of sleep to see if he still wants to go. I'm a girl who LOVES sleep, and the thought of him working all night, napping for an hour, getting all dressed up and going to sit in church for an hour seems cruel. But I did it today because I was already awake and had a church picked out.
We'd never been to this church before and were the last ones in before they closed the doors to the sanctuary. I sat next to a high school girl who looked a little disgusted at me because I practically had to sit on her coat in order to have a seat. They started with a man who couldn't talk because he kept breaking into tears about prayer group followed by a long and technologically challenged skype from African missionaries, and immediately I wasn't sure this was the place for us. But since we were already there I was determined to pay attention and try to remember that I wasn't there for ME but I was there to worship. I was a little distracted by the really cute little girl in the seat ahead of me...I kind of wanted to pull her hair back or something mothery like that when she wouldn't stop turning around and looking at me. I wanted to poke her when she stuck out her tummy at me. I laughed when she grabbed her dad's butt when he wasn't looking. I was very touched when she held her older sister's hand while we sang. "Okay, stop thinking about kids and pay attention" I told myself.
But God is funny sometimes. And sometimes He's NOT very subtle.
When I started this blog, I wasn't sure there would be longevity. Maybe I would get bored and stop writing. That might still happen. But God provided something to write about.
The sermon was on creation.
And not just creation, but God knitting together little babies in wombs. In fact, the pastor pointed out a half dozen women who were currently being knitted "in" and asked if anyone else (it's a small church) was in that way. (Which I am not in case you were wondering.)
Seriously?
I like signs. Once in elementary I prayed that He would give me a sign as to whether or not I should talk to my friend about salvation. And something fell off the wall. I counted it as a sign and we are still friends to this day. Is this my sign that I forgot to even ask for?
Well, no matter what happens, I have very little control ("Many are the plans in a man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" Prov 19:21), but it will all be God's plan so really why even worry?
Eric believes the verse that best applies to us is the whole "Be fruitful and multiply" thing by the way. What a guy.
We'd never been to this church before and were the last ones in before they closed the doors to the sanctuary. I sat next to a high school girl who looked a little disgusted at me because I practically had to sit on her coat in order to have a seat. They started with a man who couldn't talk because he kept breaking into tears about prayer group followed by a long and technologically challenged skype from African missionaries, and immediately I wasn't sure this was the place for us. But since we were already there I was determined to pay attention and try to remember that I wasn't there for ME but I was there to worship. I was a little distracted by the really cute little girl in the seat ahead of me...I kind of wanted to pull her hair back or something mothery like that when she wouldn't stop turning around and looking at me. I wanted to poke her when she stuck out her tummy at me. I laughed when she grabbed her dad's butt when he wasn't looking. I was very touched when she held her older sister's hand while we sang. "Okay, stop thinking about kids and pay attention" I told myself.
But God is funny sometimes. And sometimes He's NOT very subtle.
When I started this blog, I wasn't sure there would be longevity. Maybe I would get bored and stop writing. That might still happen. But God provided something to write about.
The sermon was on creation.
And not just creation, but God knitting together little babies in wombs. In fact, the pastor pointed out a half dozen women who were currently being knitted "in" and asked if anyone else (it's a small church) was in that way. (Which I am not in case you were wondering.)
Seriously?
I like signs. Once in elementary I prayed that He would give me a sign as to whether or not I should talk to my friend about salvation. And something fell off the wall. I counted it as a sign and we are still friends to this day. Is this my sign that I forgot to even ask for?
Well, no matter what happens, I have very little control ("Many are the plans in a man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" Prov 19:21), but it will all be God's plan so really why even worry?
Eric believes the verse that best applies to us is the whole "Be fruitful and multiply" thing by the way. What a guy.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Day 1 of the rest of your life
So I guess I am joining the fad to start a blog. The idea started last summer when I was with cousins Sharla and Julie in Kansas where everyone apparently is very cute and is able to spend a lot of time with their children cutting sandwiches into shapes that correspond with the theme of the day...
At that time, a blog seemed unlikely to become part of my life due to the fact that I was working a lot and my life seemed pretty boring. Well, I am still working a lot and my life probably is equally boring, but here we are.
I guess the real reason to start the blog is because I have so many thoughts in my head about potentially becoming a mother, and so I'd like to get them out by writing. So maybe this is more for me than for you. But maybe if you read them you can help me figure out what I should be doing, or not doing.
I have to say "potentially" becoming a mother because really one has less control than one would like regarding this whole thing. If I talk about it a lot now and then it doesn't happen, then everyone would be like "Weren't you trying to have a baby? Whatever happened to that?" and I might be sad or embarassed. And really - is this the best thing to do in the first place? This is where I am at right now - deciding...
So I'm 29 as of 3 days ago. I always thought I would be done having kids by the time I was 30. My mom was 30 when she had me, the youngest, and I thought that was about right. Avoid the birth defect statistics, be able to retire at a reasonable age, have energy and enthusiasm to be a fun mom. Well, things didn't exactly work out like I planned. I didn't get married to a very rich man when I was 22 (I was a ghastly old 25.5 and married a normal man I loved instead). I stayed in school too long (26). I have a job with a lot of responsibilities and a huge amount of debt. I do not get manicures and massages every month, in fact I still bite my nails and had a back injury last summer due to bending over and looking at a cat in a cage. I do not have my act together. So I guess it's as good a time as any to have kids, right?
Well, we do have a house that seems a little empty sometimes. I did REALLY enjoy having my 18-month old neice with me all holiday. I have a steady job, and we are financially 'keeping up'. People do this. Every day tons of people have babies, probably with less financial stability than I have. People do this without the support of a good, helpful husband such as I have. People do this without a mother-in-law an hour away such as I have. People do this without any special planning, medical degree, or really any idea of what they're doing.
But what if my kid is clinically depressed and wishes they hadn't been created? Should I save her the heartache by my own heartache of being old with no children to carry on the legacy?
What if its a boy????????
And who is going to raise this child? I can't stay home - have to pay the student loans! I can't put her in daycare because then why am I working if I am paying it all to the daycare people? If Eric stays home will I resent him being able to be with our child while I go to work?
What will happen to my marriage? I barely see Eric as it is...if we work out a schedule to have one of us stay home all the time we will never see each other.
And why do we have children in the first place? They will take all the time, energy, money and everything else I have and didn't even know I had.......forever. Everything will change. I hate change, and loud noises, and have little to no patience. And I just lost all that weight...
And yet I think God made us with this strange desire to procreate. To see His image passed on with distinct familarity to ourselves? To experience a greater range of emotion that one knew was possible? To understand ourselves and God better, to grow and realize our need once again for Him? Maybe it's that whole unconditional love thing.
So tentatively, indecisively, and with some tremoring....I reach toward "potentially, possibly, maybe considering" doing this thing. So what color should the nursery be?
At that time, a blog seemed unlikely to become part of my life due to the fact that I was working a lot and my life seemed pretty boring. Well, I am still working a lot and my life probably is equally boring, but here we are.
I guess the real reason to start the blog is because I have so many thoughts in my head about potentially becoming a mother, and so I'd like to get them out by writing. So maybe this is more for me than for you. But maybe if you read them you can help me figure out what I should be doing, or not doing.
I have to say "potentially" becoming a mother because really one has less control than one would like regarding this whole thing. If I talk about it a lot now and then it doesn't happen, then everyone would be like "Weren't you trying to have a baby? Whatever happened to that?" and I might be sad or embarassed. And really - is this the best thing to do in the first place? This is where I am at right now - deciding...
So I'm 29 as of 3 days ago. I always thought I would be done having kids by the time I was 30. My mom was 30 when she had me, the youngest, and I thought that was about right. Avoid the birth defect statistics, be able to retire at a reasonable age, have energy and enthusiasm to be a fun mom. Well, things didn't exactly work out like I planned. I didn't get married to a very rich man when I was 22 (I was a ghastly old 25.5 and married a normal man I loved instead). I stayed in school too long (26). I have a job with a lot of responsibilities and a huge amount of debt. I do not get manicures and massages every month, in fact I still bite my nails and had a back injury last summer due to bending over and looking at a cat in a cage. I do not have my act together. So I guess it's as good a time as any to have kids, right?
Well, we do have a house that seems a little empty sometimes. I did REALLY enjoy having my 18-month old neice with me all holiday. I have a steady job, and we are financially 'keeping up'. People do this. Every day tons of people have babies, probably with less financial stability than I have. People do this without the support of a good, helpful husband such as I have. People do this without a mother-in-law an hour away such as I have. People do this without any special planning, medical degree, or really any idea of what they're doing.
But what if my kid is clinically depressed and wishes they hadn't been created? Should I save her the heartache by my own heartache of being old with no children to carry on the legacy?
What if its a boy????????
And who is going to raise this child? I can't stay home - have to pay the student loans! I can't put her in daycare because then why am I working if I am paying it all to the daycare people? If Eric stays home will I resent him being able to be with our child while I go to work?
What will happen to my marriage? I barely see Eric as it is...if we work out a schedule to have one of us stay home all the time we will never see each other.
And why do we have children in the first place? They will take all the time, energy, money and everything else I have and didn't even know I had.......forever. Everything will change. I hate change, and loud noises, and have little to no patience. And I just lost all that weight...
And yet I think God made us with this strange desire to procreate. To see His image passed on with distinct familarity to ourselves? To experience a greater range of emotion that one knew was possible? To understand ourselves and God better, to grow and realize our need once again for Him? Maybe it's that whole unconditional love thing.
So tentatively, indecisively, and with some tremoring....I reach toward "potentially, possibly, maybe considering" doing this thing. So what color should the nursery be?
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