Day 1 of the rest of your life

So I guess I am joining the fad to start a blog.  The idea started last summer when I was with cousins Sharla and Julie in Kansas where everyone apparently is very cute and is able to spend a lot of time with their children cutting sandwiches into shapes that correspond with the theme of the day...

At that time, a blog seemed unlikely to become part of my life due to the fact that I was working a lot and my life seemed pretty boring.  Well, I am still working a lot and my life probably is equally boring, but here we are.

I guess the real reason to start the blog is because I have so many thoughts in my head about potentially becoming a mother, and so I'd like to get them out by writing.  So maybe this is more for me than for you.  But maybe if you read them you can help me figure out what I should be doing, or not doing.

I have to say "potentially" becoming a mother because really one has less control than one would like regarding this whole thing.  If I talk about it a lot now and then it doesn't happen, then everyone would be like "Weren't you trying to have a baby?  Whatever happened to that?" and I might be sad or embarassed.  And really - is this the best thing to do in the first place?  This is where I am at right now - deciding...

So I'm 29 as of 3 days ago.  I always thought I would be done having kids by the time I was 30.  My mom was 30 when she had me, the youngest, and I thought that was about right.  Avoid the birth defect statistics, be able to retire at a reasonable age, have energy and enthusiasm to be a fun mom.  Well, things didn't exactly work out like I planned.  I didn't get married to a very rich man when I was 22 (I was a ghastly old 25.5 and married a normal man I loved instead).  I stayed in school too long (26).  I have a job with a lot of responsibilities and a huge amount of debt.  I do not get manicures and massages every month, in fact I still bite my nails and had a back injury last summer due to bending over and looking at a cat in a cage.  I do not have my act together.  So I guess it's as good a time as any to have kids, right?

Well, we do have a house that seems a little empty sometimes.  I did REALLY enjoy having my 18-month old neice with me all holiday.  I have a steady job, and we are financially 'keeping up'.  People do this.  Every day tons of people have babies, probably with less financial stability than I have.  People do this without the support of a good, helpful husband such as I have.  People do this without a mother-in-law an hour away such as I have.  People do this without any special planning, medical degree, or really any idea of what they're doing.   

But what if my kid is clinically depressed and wishes they hadn't been created?  Should I save her the heartache by my own heartache of being old with no children to carry on the legacy?

What if its a boy????????

And who is going to raise this child?  I can't stay home - have to pay the student loans!  I can't put her in daycare because then why am I working if I am paying it all to the daycare people?  If Eric stays home will I resent him being able to be with our child while I go to work?  

What will happen to my marriage?  I barely see Eric as it is...if we work out a schedule to have one of us stay home all the time we will never see each other. 

And why do we have children in the first place?  They will take all the time, energy, money and everything else I have and didn't even know I had.......forever.  Everything will change.  I hate change, and loud noises, and have little to no patience.  And I just lost all that weight...

And yet I think God made us with this strange desire to procreate.  To see His image passed on with distinct familarity to ourselves?  To experience a greater range of emotion that one knew was possible?  To understand ourselves and God better, to grow and realize our need once again for Him?  Maybe it's that whole unconditional love thing.

So tentatively, indecisively, and with some tremoring....I reach toward "potentially, possibly, maybe considering" doing this thing.   So what color should the nursery be?